I went to Brian's super bowl party. It should have been fun, but I was completely out of my element. All the women were people I hardly knew, and also, I couldn't remember if in a drunken stupor I had at some point in the past hit on their husbands (more than likely right in front of them.) Plus, I tried pot smoking for the first time in my whole life sober, and it was perhaps not the perfect time to try that little experiment.
Brian had his usual Iron Chef cook-off and it was fun! This year, because it was the first year I was able to come to the party (and be reasonably assured that I wouldn't be tempted to drink) I was a judge!! The theme ingredient, much to my dismay, was peppers. I'm not a hot kind of girl, so peppers did not thrill me and made it nearly impossible to judge fairly. Add to that that Brian came up with some kind of funky judging point system, and I think the whole thing came out rigged in the end. But my favorite placed and the top three dishes came out within a point of each other so everybody won!
Smoking pot is (for me, at least) not all it's cracked up to be. I was already uncomfortable, after all, and most of these people, if they'd seen me recently at all, had seen me drunk off my ass, possibly naked and doing things unacceptable even within the realm of normal drunks. I couldn't talk to any of the men, for fear their wives would think I was flirting, and I couldn't talk to any of the women for the reasons mentioned above. I also had to get home since Hope was waiting for me (I was supposed to be home in time for kick-off) but the judging went long and I couldn't make it back until after halftime in any event. I was so afraid I'd get home and still be "stoned" and since while being stoned, I noticed I was completely incapable of stringing a complete sentence together coherently, I didn't want that to be noticeable to either Hope or my mom. It was such an odd experience. I have plenty of experience with being drunk and being able to (at least in the early stages) handle it fairly well, but this drug was freaky. I would start a sentence with one idea in mind, and by the time I reached the end of the sentence, my mind had literally forgotten what it was going to say so I ended up completing on a completely different topic altogether. So what happened was, since I already felt weird being there with these people, I was scared even more to talk for fear I'd sound like a complete idiot when I did!
I've never felt more isolated or more out of my element than I did at that party. I felt like everyone hated me and was judging me. And that was BEFORE my little experiment! I'm not sure if I'll ever have a social life again. A simple party left me feeling insecure and lowly for days afterwards. I guess I will end up wearing my tin-foil hat, surrounded by cats and newspapers contemplating crop circles and the second shooter until I die, alone, of old age.
After the judging, I ended up sitting on the floor, watching the game, and completely isolating myself from everyone. I went upstairs at least five times to get my camera and each time coming back down having completely forgotten what I went up there to do. I know alcohol can result in a complete loss of control, but I don't remember it making me an idiot (again, at least not at first.) All in all, an experiment worth doing, but not one worth repeating. I guess alcohol really is my drug of choice.
On the other smoking front though, I'm not doing well at all. I was down to five cigarettes a day for a full week, including a weekend, and then my February 1st quit date came and I completely lost control. I'm now back up to at least 10, probably more, and it's time to buckle down and start over. I could beat myself about it. Okay, I already have beaten myself up about it (while smoking the whole time) so now it's time to quit the beating and start the starting over. Back to the paper clip rosary!!!!
Wish me luck!