I want to quit my job and get a new one.
I don't really want to quit my job, but I look at my pay and I look at the job I'm doing and I know I'll never go anywhere. I could have a job at another office, one a friend of mine works at, where I'm making 4-5 more dollars an hour, but that would require change and sacrifice and losing the tenuous but fulfilling friendship I've developed, but then there's the fact that that friendship is possibly dangerous to my sobriety because there have been too many discussions about recreational drugs and getting together and doing them and I'm more than tempted by it all.
But really, the end to all this discussion is that I don't make any money and I can't make any money unless I change some things. I have to stop buying prescriptions off the internet and I have to get my degree because soon it will too late and I won't add anything to my earning potential by having one. I'll just be old and degreed and still making less than a just graduated 22 year old. I'm depressed. I take too many prescription drugs, I'm deeply in debt, I am adding nothing to my life or doing anything worthwhile. I wallow in self-pity at times like this, but never blog about it because even though I blog so infrequently few people bother to read, the ones who DO still read are exactly the ones I don't want to know how badly I've failed. So I just wallow. And then when I'm done wallowing I go about my business of continuing along my path of self-destruction. I only think like this or about this during my period, which is kind of appropriate because I would always start a drinking binge at about this point in the month, so instead now I just think about it. I'm droning on and on, this will be severely edited later on, but for now I'm just running with it.
The valium seemed like such fun at first when I started taking them occasionally...oh, I can't talk about this, see even though I'm not blogging right now, I'm in fact just sending this as an email to myself, but I still can't write these things down because then it makes me sound like an addict and like I'm doing something wrong and then I have to really admit to myself that I am doing something wrong, accept that I have admitted it, but I don't always feel like I'm doing anything wrong. Just today and most other days. I have occasional days when I don't feel guilty.
Oh, Lord. I'm making no sense and I'm not drunk or drugged or anything else, quite the contrary actually, since all the on-line pharmacies have been shut down for a while and aren't selling the Valium, which is just as well because all it does is make me sleepy so I'm saving it for if I somehow fall off the drinking wagon and then have to detox, but that sounds almost like I'm planning on drinking again, which I'm not, but then who knows. I didn't think things would turn out this way. I'm almost 40 and I'm nothing.
But there's always Hope. And she keeps me going. But going where??? These aren't really suicidal thoughts, but come on, I'm feeling like my life really doesn't matter and if I'm going to die somehow...no, I don't want to die. I just feel horribly terribly DOWN. In a hole and I don't know if I can climb out of it or if I even want to. This hopeless feeling is the kind of thing that used to make me drink MORE even if I were vomiting up what I'd just swallowed. Oblivion. Make it all go away. Drink enough and I'll forget how bad things really are.
I'm not worried about being addicted to the Valium, I know my friends out there might be concerned about that, but in fact, I'm not addicted to them. (I could explain why I know that, but it's not the main point of this, and no one will believe me no matter what I say anyway.) But they are leading me right back to the old behaviors, the sneakiness and the lying and the debt...the manipulation and the scheming...it's all coming back to me now. And they give me the greatest excuse of all to drink, after all, I've been taking pills so that means my sobriety was broken months and months ago, accept I dont' believe that too much (but I know everyone will), so there's no reason to fool around with it, just go for what I really want. It's cheaper and much easier to obtain. So I have all the free reasons I need!
The valium seemed like such fun at first when I started taking them occasionally...oh, I can't talk about this, see even though I'm not blogging right now, I'm in fact just sending this as an email to myself, but I still can't write these things down because then it makes me sound like an addict and like I'm doing something wrong and then I have to really admit to myself that I am doing something wrong, accept that I have admitted it, but I don't always feel like I'm doing anything wrong. Just today and most other days. I have occasional days when I don't feel guilty.
Oh, Lord. I'm making no sense and I'm not drunk or drugged or anything else, quite the contrary actually, since all the on-line pharmacies have been shut down for a while and aren't selling the Valium, which is just as well because all it does is make me sleepy so I'm saving it for if I somehow fall off the drinking wagon and then have to detox, but that sounds almost like I'm planning on drinking again, which I'm not, but then who knows. I didn't think things would turn out this way. I'm almost 40 and I'm nothing.
But there's always Hope. And she keeps me going. But going where??? These aren't really suicidal thoughts, but come on, I'm feeling like my life really doesn't matter and if I'm going to die somehow...no, I don't want to die. I just feel horribly terribly DOWN. In a hole and I don't know if I can climb out of it or if I even want to. This hopeless feeling is the kind of thing that used to make me drink MORE even if I were vomiting up what I'd just swallowed. Oblivion. Make it all go away. Drink enough and I'll forget how bad things really are.
I'm not worried about being addicted to the Valium, I know my friends out there might be concerned about that, but in fact, I'm not addicted to them. (I could explain why I know that, but it's not the main point of this, and no one will believe me no matter what I say anyway.) But they are leading me right back to the old behaviors, the sneakiness and the lying and the debt...the manipulation and the scheming...it's all coming back to me now. And they give me the greatest excuse of all to drink, after all, I've been taking pills so that means my sobriety was broken months and months ago, accept I dont' believe that too much (but I know everyone will), so there's no reason to fool around with it, just go for what I really want. It's cheaper and much easier to obtain. So I have all the free reasons I need!
*****
And of course this morning I feel totally different, but maybe not TOTALLY different. I'm not as depressed, but it's early yet. I'm still not making any money and I'm still in exactly the same place financially as I was last night. Nothing has changed, but the sun is out and it's Friday. I'll just think about all this tomorrow.
