I keep staring at the pictures of the last two "relationships" I've had.  Both have profiles on Yahoo and both check in on a daily basis.  One frightens me and the other fascinates me.  I avoid leaving a trail so I don't think either of them know I've been looking.  Although I wasn't so very savvy in the beginning and so I can't be sure.  The fascinating one checked in on me twice, the frightening one never.  But the frightening one would know how to cover his tracks.  Funny how that works.

*****

I'm so damn tired of the drama at work.  I adore Dana, I love her, I haven't had such a close girlfriend in a very long time.  I went to a couple of gay strip clubs with her.  Did I tell you that?  We had fun.  And I fought hard for her when she quit.  She lost her freakin' mind on Monday, decided she's quitting and put in her resignation the next day.  And I couldn't stop her.

That was a month ago.  I fought for her.  I'm nobody, really.  But I know what she does and I know how to ask, and I got her a little more time.  She quit without having another job.  She has two kids.  She lives in an expensive part of town so her kids can go to good schools.  She didn't look for another job the whole time.  We all thought, we being only the two of us I guess, we thought it would never happen.  She was just going to be around forever and things would slowly go back to normal and Satan (our boss and President of the company) would forget she quit because although his pride wouldn't allow him to ask her to stay, and her pride wouldn't let her ask him if she could stay, somehow by ignoring the whole thing it would just go away.

But no.  She's really leaving.  I was sad and upset and depressed and scared and worried and angry.  All the things you are for a friend who's been treated unfairly.  I've talked and cried, cursed and complained...hours and hours of it.  I've done it at home, through texts, at work, via phone and email.  I've done it for a month with her now.  Longer even. 

This must make me evil.  But I want the drama to end.  Her last day is next Friday.  And I'm glad.  Not glad like gleeful glad.  I'm just so very very tired of dealing with the drama every single day.

See, it's all very political.  Everyone at that place tells me everything.  The HR Director looks on my like another grandchild and tells me EVERYTHING.  I know things I really ought not to know and I hate it sometimes!!  So I know things I should have told Dana, if I'm her friend.  But things I have responsibility to my job not to tell her, like if they found out I told her than I'd lose my job.  So I can't tell her things I know and I can't tell people at work things I know, about her.   I can't complain about her, even when I think she's doing the wrong thing, because people in my office are just dying for me to say something bad that they can go running to her with.  She's so volatile, she'd believe anything.  So I have to be very very careful.  ALL.  THE.  TIME.  With everyone.

It's exhausting.

*****

My direct report's nickname is "Chip."  It's hysterical.  Only Dana and I call him Chip, but it's because every single time Dana and I take a break from work and chit chat for a second, Chip appears.  We figure we've both been chipped.  Whenever we're within a certain radius...say eight feet...the master chip in Chip's head goes off and he comes LEAPING around the corner to catch us goofing off.  It also works with emails.  And phone calls.  And once?  I had this dream and Dana had the same dream, we were both taken aboard a spaceship...and I think we had our chips upgraded that night.  Now Chip can tell when we're talking when he's not even in the building!  We wonder what will happen to our chips when she leaves.  She made me a special tin-foil hat in case it implodes or something.

Chip is manic. Like a complete maniac manic.  Worse than me on my worst ebay spending spree manic day.  But today I out manicked him.  It was funny, really.  Usually when he asks me for 497 things all at the same time at 4:45 in the afternoon, I make nice eye contact with him, smile and assure him I'll get it all done.  Today, after they took away all Dana's duties (well, actually they pissed her off and she quit doing most of her job, accept the part that dealt with training me) I had way too much to do and way to little knowledge with which to get it done.  So when Chip walked in today, I was the one with 497 things to ask HIM!!  It was funny as hell, he didn't know what to do.  He floundered for speech and I just went on and on.   And on.  (I can speak very quickly at a high frequency for quite a long time on a single breath when it's necessary.)  He looked confused and left the room as quickly as possible.

Never try to out manic me.

*****

I feel better today, obviously.  Nothing changed.  Nada.  But I just feel better.  I guess depression really is chemical.  When I wrote that last post, I thought I wanted to die.  Things aren't great, but they'll improve at work.  The drama is getting to everyone I guess.  SIX more days!!  Plus, get this!  The one guy at work I was ever interested in?  Yes, she got him.  I don't mind really, because I wouldn't have known what to do with him had I been the one to get him...but STILL!!

*****

Thanks, Margaret and Tonya, for reading and responding yesterday.  I needed so badly for someone to hear me.  I knew there was nothing you could do to change things or fix me, but I needed to be heard.  I'm so grateful to you both.  You will never know how much.

Comments

[Margaret]

I wouldn't miss a single one of your posts, unless I had to. You are one of my first and dearest blog friends. Believe me, I know all about drama. It is in my home at times, in school(always) and in the gymnastics group that Alison is a part of. It is draining! I am sad that this is Alison's last year of high school and gym, but part of me is glad to be done with all the drama. Now if I could just retire! I'm glad you're feeling better. The job does sound overwhelming though. 497 things? You must talk fast indeed.

[Tonya]

I'm thinking that your fast-talking talent will come in quite useful in dealing with your boss-twit. You've got his number! Bombard him, girl!

[Micky]

SATANIC ILLUSION WAS BASIS OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS
Satan, whom God had created the most beautiful and intelligent angel of all the angels was named Lucifer - "the shining one," until he rebelled against God, wishing to be God and to receive the worship that is due only to God. After he rebelled and was thrown to earth from heaven, the Bible says, God renamed him Satan, which means the "deceiver" and the "adversary."
Because "Bill Wilson had rejected the concept of a personal Creator God and because the thought of the existence of a God to whom he was accountable was completely repugnant to him, when he cried out in desperation because of his alcoholism, it was not to the one true God, but to any "higher power" who might exist, not to the God who has revealed Himself to man in His Holy Word, and this was an invitation with which Satan was delighted to comply.
Satan immediately rewarded Wison with an incredible occultic "experience." In Wilson's own words, "Suddenly the room lit up with a great "white light." I was caught up into an ecstasy which there are no words to describe. It seemed to me, in the mind's eye, that I was on a mountain and that a wind not of air but of spirit was blowing. And then it burst upon me that I was a free man. Slowly the ecstasy subsided. I lay on the bed, but now for a time I was in another world, a new world of consciousness. All about me and through me there was a wonderful feeling of Presence..."
and because of that experience, Alcoholics Anonymous was founded so that others could share in Bill Wilson's experience.
References to similar experiences with "white light" can be found throughout the world of the occult.
PEACE BE WITH YOU
MICKY

[Brian]

Merry Christmas to you Faith!

[Brian]

Happy New Year!

[jp]

Faith

I have finally found your Blog again!!!

Please update!

jp

[Andy]

Happy New Year Faith !!!

I'm so glad you're writing again, I wish you could see the smile on my face.
I had one of those psychic "report tos" a while back, all we had to do was say his name and he would appear...it got so we would do it on purpose just to see if it really worked..and it did.

[Margaret]

I hope that everything is OK, Faith. I miss hearing from you. Take care.

[wanda]

Faith, I don't know if you ever check this blog anymore or not, but I'd really love to see/hear from you. I've moved to GA. I actually think we live fairly close to each other (I'm living in Newnan). If you find this, stop by my blog or send me an email. I'd love to get together sometime.
wanda

[Brian]

Faith,

It has been a long time but I found myself thinking about you and wondering how you are. I have no idea if you still check this space....but you are missed.

Brian